The 2014 NFC South All-Garbage Team


Breaking news: the NFC South stinks! The situation is really, really bad. This division is so garbage that only one team has a positive points differential, no team has won more than two games away from home and two teams that are currently in 4th place in their respective divisions (the St. Louis Rams and the Minnesota Vikings) would be tied for 1st place in this hot mess also known as the NFC South.

Instead of being all sad and depressed let’s laugh at it! Imagine a dream team made of all the worst players from the Saints, the Bucs, the Falcons and the Panthers. If your brain doesn’t allow you to create such a disturbing thought don’t worry, I got you.

Are you ready?

Quick note: the uniforms of this “dream” team are the new Bucs’ uniforms of course. That’s not up for discussion.

Oct 5, 2014; New Orleans, LA, USA; Tampa Bay Buccaneers head coach Lovie Smith talks to running back Doug Martin (22) and center Evan Dietrich-Smith (62) in the second half of their game against the New Orleans Saints at the Mercedes-Benz Superdome. Mandatory Credit: Chuck Cook-USA TODAY Sports

[I know Lovie, those uniforms are atrocious.]

Head Coach: Mike Smith

After the foolishness we saw in London when the Falcons blew up a 21-point lead there is no doubt in my mind that Mike Smith is the perfect man to coach this trashy team.

Fun fact: if Atlanta manages to somehow get 7 or 8 wins and takes the NFC South crown there’s a good chance Mike Smith will be coaching the Falcons in 2015 – which is great if you are a Saints fan.


Quarterback: Bucs

Glennon is getting ready for his sophomore year. Then McCown comes to town. Then Glennon starts again in week 4 because McCown is injured. Then he goes 1-4 and loses the starting job AGAIN. Then McCown cries during a postgame presser because his team is 1-8. Congrats Tampa Bay, the “Worst QB Situation In The Worst Division Ever” Award is yours.

Running Backs: Panthers

They had to sign Chris Ogbonnaya at some point because they had no one healthy. Enough said.

Wide Receivers: Panthers

This one is easy: Jackson/Evans and Jones/White save the Bucs and the Falcons. I’d take Colston/Stills/Meachem/Morgan over any Panthers’ receiver not named Kelvin Benjamin so there you go.

Tight End: Falcons

Levine Toilolo (17 receptions for 172 yards and a touchdown) could use some more time with Tony Gonzalez because he clearly hasn’t learned much so far. Matt Ryan is probably still texting Gonzo trying to convince him to unretire. Not gonna happen, Matty. Not for your 4-6 team anyway.

Offensive Line: Panthers

Guess why Cam Newton is playing hurt? Only the Jaguars (39) have allowed more sacks than the Panthers (31) so far. Sorry Bucs, your 62 QB hurries allowed are not enough to win this one.


Defensive Line: Falcons

This one wasn’t easy since they all suck. I was gonna go Saints here since they seem to be unable to create any pressure on opposing quarterbacks whatsoever but then I looked at some stats and realized that the Falcons only have 13 sacks on the year, tied for second-fewest in the league. Welp.

Linebackers: TIE

The Panthers and the Bucs are obviously out of contention for this award because of Luke Kuechly and Lavonte David. So who gets this one, the Saints or the Falcons? Let me explain the totally systematic tie-breaking rule: Atlanta sucks. So Falcons it is.

Defensive Backs: Saints

Week 1 – Look at that lineup: Jayrus Byrd, Kenny Vaccaro, Keenan Lewis…that secondary is awesome, nobody will be able to throw at them!

Week 11 – Byrd went down in early October. Raphael Bush, his replacement, went down just yesterday. Marcus Ball, the replacement’s replacement played in the CFL until last year.

Vaccaro is currently playing like a CFL player, having already missed 15+ tackled this season.

Keenan Lewis has a cracked knee. Don’t even get me started on Corey White and Patrick Robinson. They’re dead last (in the division) in interceptions, of course.

That’s it!

Well, this was fun. Was it? Anyway, the real question is: could this “nightmare team” beat the 0-10 Oakland Raiders? Pretty sure the answer is yes. So rejoice, NFC South brothers: at least we’re not the Raiders!

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