Tomorrow night, we will most likely defeat you. I think everyone feels this loss coming, including your own fan base. I’m sure it’ll be a good game with lots of sexy highlight plays made by us and lots of time featuring you guys playing football in a manner that resembles watching paint dry.
Despite the “rivalry” between our two franchises, Saints fans feel a certain kinship with the Falcons. We love you like anyone loves the less attractive sibling that makes them look more attractive. Khloe Kardashian, Ashlee Simpson and Solange Knowles are loved by Kim, Jessica, and Beyonce for the same reason that we adore our Atlanta brothers. You guys look great next to us in a picture and when we’re a little down we can always remember that it could be worse, we could be you.
It’s great that you’re winning in a completely non-compelling way now, we’re really happy for you. Last year, when we captivated the spirit of America with our 2009 season of magic, inspiration and unicorn-esque wonder, a lot of people thought that it was only our winning record that made us interesting. Having you guys go 12-2 with a team personality akin to a comatose Ben Stein reinforces the notion that whether we are winning or losing, there is just something special about the Saints.
There’s really nothing special about you guys, and I think the world knows that now. You’ve have had some exciting players in the past like Deion Sanders and Michael Vick, but in the long run neither man could deal with the soul destroying blandness of your franchise. Sanders elected to leave for more intriguing opportunities in San Francisco and Dallas, while Vick tragically endeavored to seek entertainment one bite at a time.
Even your lone Super Bowl Appearance was wrought with who-gives-a-shitness. You had Chris Chandler at Quarterback being boring and Jamal Anderson running the ball 125 times per game while inventing a dance that no one remembers how to do now. We do give you credit for getting to the big game though. The blowout loss to the Broncos is excusable because you were up against a Quaterbacking legend in a game that no one expected you to win. I mean, we were in the EXACT same situation last year and pulled out the upset victory, but that’s because we’re exciting and unpredictable, two things that everyone knows you are not.
I heard that you have a “star” receiver named Roddy White who is making angry Tweets. I watch the NFL every week and I have no idea who this guy is. When I think of the name Roddy, there is only one dudewho even remotely comes to mind, and I have a feeling that’s how it’s going to stay. My only advice to this other Roddy is that he pull an Andre Rison as soon as possible, i.e. go somewhere else to play so that NFL relevancy is attainable. As long as he wears a Falcons jersey, he could tweet the whereabouts of Osama Bin Laden and it would be placed on the pay-no-mind list.
Of course The Saints could lose tomorrow and I guess that would mean that you guys would truly be the class of the NFC. I still can’t be sure that anyone would care though (I know I sure wouldn’t). Anyway, here’s to a clean contest with no injuries. I can only hope that I am not mentally injured when you guys are on offense. I could easily strain my brain trying to make sense of why I’d rather watch “The Real Housewives of Atlanta” then watch the Atlanta Falcons, so I’ll try not to pay too much attention when the Dirty Birds have the ball.
Good Luck (Keeping Us Awake) Tomorrow
Your loving, more handsome, more decorated and generally more beloved brothers in the Who Dat Nation.
This Letter is Sicklemaster Approved.
Check out Keith Null’s weekly article about the Saints on NFL.com by clicking here.