Given the recent success of Sean Payton’s new book Home Team: Coaching the Saints and New Orleans Back to Life, as well as Drew Brees’s writing debut Coming Back Stronger, Unleashing the Hidden Power of Adversity, it should come as no surprise that other football players and coaches would make similar attempts.
After exhaustive research, we here at Who Dat Dish may or may not* have discovered the complete and undocumented list of other books being written by current and former Saints personnel. We are prepared to announce them here today.
Without further ado:
The Gregg Williams Delectable Dishes Cookbook by Gregg Williams
After building up a reputation as a rough-around-the-edges, hyper-aggressive defensive coordinator, Gregg Williams has decided to show off his softer side by publishing a cookbook. An excerpt from one of his favorite dishes is listed below:
3 tablespoons of butter
½ cup of sugar
8 lbs of raw meat
22 bottles of hot sauce
2 cheetah hearts
3 ½ cans of whoop-@$$
¾ cup of rusty nails
1 bottle of Jack Daniels
4 dragon testicles
1.) Preheat your oven to 800 degrees Fahrenheit.
2.) Mix the butter, sugar, raw meat, and dragon testicles with an 8th century medieval mace (a flail or morningstar will also do in a pinch)
3.) Add in the hot sauce and Jack Daniels and stir until I tell you to stop, dammit!
4.) Grind up the rusty nails with your fists.
5.) No! You’re not using the right technique! What are you, a little girl?!
6.) Now eat the cheetah hearts. Raw. That’s the only way to eat them.
7.) Add the rusty nail powder into your mix and place in oven with your bare hands. What? You’re not enough a man to use your bare hands!? You worthless #&^$&$!!!
8.) Set timer to RIGHT NOW! Go run 50 laps till it’s done.
9.) Seriously, if you show this kind of effort on Martha Stewart’s show this Sunday, you’re gonna get your @$$ handed to you in a paper bag!!!
10.) Now eat your #*&$@% meal and get back to work.
Tracy Porter and the Cornerback’s Stones by Tracy Porter
Tracy Porter and the Playbook of Secrets by Tracy Porter
Tracy Porter and the Prisoner of Atlantafalcons by Tracy Porter
Tracy Porter and the Goblet of Fire Gary Gibbs by Tracy Porter
Tracy Porter and the Order of the Draft by Tracy Porter
Tracy Porter and the Halftime Prince by Tracy Porter
Tracy Porter and the Deathly Interception by Tracy Porter
Tracy Porter, perhaps the most ambitious writer on our list, is planning to write a seven part fantasy novel series involving a young boy who discovers the hidden world of Football School. He joins up with his two best friends, Jabari Greer and Darren Sharper, in order to stop the evil Lord Volde-Manning from taking over the Football World. These novels are primarily aimed at (1) Kids and (2) Adults who will have to spend the rest of their lives justifying why they are reading a kid’s book.
Plump: Based on the Movie ‘Precious’: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire by Charles Grant
Charles Grant was too lazy to write a summary.
Joe Horn’s “Calls From Heaven”: Joe Horn’s the Joe Horn Story: by Joe Horn by Joe Horn
Joe Horn, in conjunction with his recent announcement of his retirement, has written his 23rd autobiography. Our research may or may not** have uncovered an excerpt of his his story below:
“Joe Horn Joe Horn playing football Joe Joe Horn Joe Horn Joe Horn Horn catch Joe Horn Joe Horn. Joe Horn teamwork Joe Horn. Joe. Horn. Joe Joe Horn Joe! Horn! Joe! Horn! Joe Horn Joe Horn Joe Horn Joe Horn? An honor playing with the New Orleans Saints Joe Horn Joe Horn. Joe Horn Joe Horn Joe Horn Joe Horn Joe Horn Joe Horn. Joe Joe Joe Joe Joe. Horn Horn Horn Horn Horn. Joe Horn. Joe Horn? Joe Horn!”
The DaVictory Code by Bill Belichick
While he is not in any way related to the Saints, Bill Belichick is nevertheless looking to follow in Sean Payton’s footsteps by writing his own semi-autobiographical novel. In this story, a famous symbologist is hired to uncover the mystery of “What the Next Play Will Be” by studying codes from the opposing team’s sidelines. Through the process, he uncovers a vast conspiracy that reaches up to the highest rungs of the NFL, and discovers the lengths they will go to in order to cover up the truth. Tom Hanks is not available for the movie version, so Nicolas Cage will do a second-rate version of Tom Hank’s performance instead.
Twilight (of my career) by Brett Favrvrevrerevvrev
An indecisive man must choose between two sides in a centuries-old war. Melodrama ensues.
* We have not. We are making this all up.
** It has not. We don’t do research.